Week Three: “Metamorphosis (shedding my old pajamas, and emerging in new ones)…”

After about a week spent recovering from surgery, I started to feel better. I wanted to be around people. I wanted to feel like myself again. And mostly, I wanted a change of scenery. I needed to look at / interact with something other than my crutches.

What are YOU looking at?!

Don’t get me wrong- my cats and my husband are excellent company- but after 2 weeks spent cooped up at home, feeling like a lazy blob, without the desire or will to do anything healthy with my very lengthy period of ‘free-time’, we required some fresh air and amusement.

Cue: Date Night!

In this case, date night meant that I would put on my *most respectable* pajamas, I would wash my face, step outside my apartment for the first time since surgery, and go to the movie theater to feel more like a person than a couch. A very simple thing, but something I desperately wanted/needed/craved. I returned home from the movies, smiling ear to ear. It was the best day in many days.

Fancy PJs and Popcorn!

Everyone works differently. Especially in the case of recovery and rehabilitation. There’s no such thing as a universal timeline that marks the day you will reach the next milestone in your healing process. There’s no *correct* way to deal with the physical and psychological challenges that come along with all of it. And there’s no better judge of your struggles, strengths, and goals than you.

In my case, all 3 of my surgeries (R-ACL, L-ACL, R-FIB) have a very unique experience attached to them. In some cases (like my right ACL reconstruction), the concept of a major sports injury was a pretty foreign one for me, and therefore this experience was full of firsts. I felt extremely positive and proud at the end of that 6 month recovery process, and honestly felt more motivated and stronger than ever before. 

Did my first ever 5k
(in under 34 minutes)
After ACL reconstruction!

Right ACL Reconstruction
(August 2012)

Can't wait to be back
on the Rugby pitch again!

The second orthopedic surgery occurred a year later, when I tore my left ACL in addition to doing some major damage to my cartilage within my knee joint. Not only was this a slightly more traumatic injury than the previous one, I was also frustrated that I would need to go through this entire experience all over again. It was more-so frustrating than devastating. I never quite overcame that mental obstacle presented by this second injury- and I felt extremely apprehensive about trusting my own body again. This is the reason that I decided to ‘retire’ from the pastime that had become a very large and important component of who I was. It was kind of like having an identity crisis. What would I spend all of my time doing, if it wasn’t training, going to practice, or traveling to games? What would make me feel confident, capable, and strong- if it wasn’t the feeling of a great tackle, an awesome scrum, or a perfect lift (all of these words  may sound alien to you if you are not familiar with rugby- in which case I recommend you look into it and watch a few games- it’s f*cking amazing!). And this situation also began to highlight some of my insecurities: What would justify my big thighs (with the strength to push a 500 lbs. sled)? What would explain my big bulky shoulders and neck (that could lock in against approximately 800 lbs. of intertwined rugby players crouched right across from me? What would make it okay to be larger, heavier, and slower than most of the other ‘athletes’ around me, if I did not have the justification of rugby. This insufferable period of insecurities and sadness took a little while to overcome, and much of this was attributed to the fact that I found a lower impact activity that would not only challenge me physically- but also make my SOUL feel amazing! Hiking.

        

Left ACL Reconstruction
(September 2013)

                  

Here we go again...

    

Silver lining:
Matching scars?

First hike post 2nd ACL

I had certainly been hiking long before this, but I usually treated this activity as a ‘form of transportation’. A way to reach a nice overlook, or a remote waterfall. It was a means to an end, and I never spent much time thinking about the beauty that was being missed along the way. All of this changed in 2013, when I found myself looking for that physical outlet to replace rugby. I spent much of the few years since then using all of my free time to explore various trails. I climbed hills, walked on rocky terrain, wandered off the beaten path, backpacked, camped, and truly adored every single minute of all of it. I had found my new ‘identity’. I was going to be outside: collecting bugs, swimming in rivers, climbing up mountains, and always covered in a refreshing and invigorating layer of dirt.

Since breaking my ankle, I have only managed to accomplish the last thing on that list: dirt. The rest of it still seems a bit more distant and daunting. So this basically meant that my current recovery would have its own way of taking place, with its own unique challenges that come along with it.

And although I did not handle some of these challenges as elegantly as I had hoped or anticipated, I did manage to make it all the way through week 3! They say that every step counts, and since 'steps' were quite a challenge to begin with- I would embrace and celebrate each tiny little accomplishment that I managed. 

With this perspective in mind, I decided that I would truly make the best of this situation- by enjoying everything I was still ABLE to do:
- I became comfortable on my knee scooter, and incorporated some sort of rolling activity (usually a lap around my building) as often as I felt up to it.
- I had become much more adept at going about my daily activities- and no longer needed help to shower, get to the kitchen, or make myself a bowl of cereal (although I still needed help getting the bowl back to where I was sitting).

Time for a roll around the block...

This also made me feel excited about what I was going to continue to be able to do: 
- I spent hours daydreaming about my short-term and long-term goals for recovering from this injury 
- I visualized being back on the trails, back at the gym, and especially back on my own two feet.

And since a lot of what I did each day still involved being very stationary, I decided to make the best of it by indulging in some outlets of creative expression (aka Paint Pens and my fiberglass cast); writing about my experience with the surgery and recovery (thus, the Blog); and enjoying the freedom of frequent naps and no alarms.

Move over, Picasso! 

I decided to let myself take it slow and steady all week...

…Because next week, I would be Wonder Woman.